Confidence in What You Are Made Of

"Just do it!" "Make it happen!" "Come on, don't mess this up!"

These are all things we say to ourselves when we attempt to do something hard and are hesitant in our efforts to accomplish our feats. All these phrases are typically negatively associated because our confidence in ourselves is lacking. How many times have you tried to lift a weight in the gym that is really heavy, waited too long to talk to someone, or tried to stay calm while being interviewed and not been able to perform because of you over think or get nervous?

This is my story of overcoming lack of confidence, over thinking, and trying to negatively drive myself to do things while being in the pits of life. I hope that you will be able to take away a little bit from what I have experienced and learned.

I have always been a man to try and make things happen. My father taught me how to be assertive when I was a timid child. He would put me in situations where I had to decide to either be bold or sit back. I was not always bold because fear held me back. I did not believe that I could do it. I was scared of the consequences of failing. 

My father would always tell me,"Whatever you do, son, do not hesitate. Hesitation will get you killed." There is more to what he said than literal death by hesitation. Yes, that can happen but what is more to that is hesitating in the moments where you have the opportunity to do something awesome. We have all had these moments, missing a chance to talk to ask that person out, not selling yourself in a job interview, or choking right before you attempt to set a personal record in the gym. The moments of hesitation and lack of confidence chip away at our soul over time, discourage us, and too often we beat ourselves up for it. If we keep hesitating and keep building our disbelief in our capabilities we will never reach our potential. Have hope! We can cast away disbelief and build ourselves up through the same moments we hesitate in.

This past summer, I had the crescendo of turning my mindset into confidence and assertive. My mind is the strongest it has ever been. I was back in my hometown, coaching CrossFit full-time and had been training alone for several weeks in preparation to compete in a weightlifting meet. I was also dealing with grief and stress from my brother's suicide. I felt alone, fighting depression, and trying to push myself to become stronger. It was mid-afternoon, the warehouse sized gym was empty and had been for a couple hours. This was a typical day. A lot of time to by myself without any immediate support to push me to do better. The entire day my brother was on my mind, like most days, and was still processing the events that had happened. This was a flood building in my soul. This workout was hard. The weights felt too heavy. My mind is not right to make these attempts. I almost broke down crying in my self-pity. Who cares, no one was there to judge right? I had made it through to the last two sets of accessory lifts. The easy part. A song called "Coming Down" by Five Finger Death Punch began playing which is about suicide. I broke down. I was crying and almost left the gym in sadness and disgust in myself for my performance with only two sets left in my workout. Twenty measly repetitions and I could not bring myself to do them? 

It was this moment, I had already started walking to grab my stuff, that I saw what was really going on inside my head. I was giving up because I thought I was not strong enough to make it. I thought I was a victim of my situation. I believed that I could not change this moment. To Hell With That! Not being strong enough and quitting because I was feeling sorry for myself... The thought enraged me. I am strong enough! I'm done feeling sorry for myself! I am doing this! I am finishing! I stormed back over and finished my last two sets. 

This might not sound like much,  but it was this moment that solidified my confidence in what I am made of. What we all have inside us. We all have the guts to make whatever you want to happen possible. You must believe it though. We can see what we are made of in every opportunity. How you see an opportunity is a reflection of how you see yourself. If something is holding you back because it appears hard or scary more than likely it is because you do not see how strong and ferocious you are. You are strong! You are ferocious! What's more, is you are capable of enjoying these moments that are hard and scary. 

After my turning point, I see opportunity differently because I see myself differently. In that moment in the pits, I saw how resilient I am, my strength, my willpower. It was always there but I did not focus on it because I did not believe it was there. Now that I believe with my whole heart that I am capable of what I set my mind to, I no longer see opportunity as a moment of success or failure, pain or pleasure. I see opportunity as a moment to be who I am. To be Garrett White as he would be without fear, hesitation, and lack of self-confidence. Being that person makes me joyful and allows me to enjoy my life no matter the situation.

My take home message is believe in yourself. Everyone has what it takes. We all have the guts, the grit... Believe in your strength. Believe you will conquer any situation. You have what it takes to be your unafraid self in every moment, to enjoy every opportunity. You have what it takes.

Perspective on Life's Challenges: Suicide

Dear Reader,

     This post is the first hand account of my experience with suicide. This may be a tough read for some so read with caution. This is my experience and how I dealt with it.
     I am hoping to reach you with words of hope and of advice when dealing with any of life's challenges. I am not searching to create negative or sympathetic feelings. I simply wish to share my story of adversity in hopes that it might reach the people who need to hear it most.

Thank you for reading.

My brother committed suicide on April 2, 2014. This was not expected by anyone, not any family member or dearest friend. There were no warning signs. Life hit my brother's loved ones harder than most of them have endured. It was the hardest challenge I have yet to experience.

My mother called me with the news of my brother's actions around 6 in the evening. I had just dropped a teammate off after practice and was heading out of the parking lot. My mother's voice and words stopped me in the parking which left me shocked, hurt, and sobbing. The world seemed to speed up and stand still all at once. On one hand I just wanted to sit, cry, and feel sorry for myself. On the other though, the rest of my family needed me.

My mental battle through this challenge began at this moment. My whole world was rocked to its very core. However, the love I had for my family set me to action after the initial shock of my mother's phone call. Two things I decided right then and there were to be there for my family and to face this challenge mentally head on. I have never experienced such a sudden loss nor one where the person lost chose to take their own life. I could not pretend this was not real.

I arrived to the house where my brother's body lay and found my family all sitting around the outside of the yellow tape the police had placed. I was informed that my step-father was still inside the tape. He had found my brother after work. I rushed to meet him but was promptly stopped by a Sherriff Deputy. I had to wait for the officials to process the site which seemed like an eternity. From there, my eldest brother and I went to my step-father. We stood together as they carted my brother off and walked together to the site where my ended his life.

This moment was the hardest part of the whole ordeal and led to many future challenges in the weeks to come. This was the moment where I could have hidden from it all and denied that it ever happened. I could not allow myself to do that though. I felt the deepest pain and deepest love ever in this moment. Sure, I was had the wind knocked from me but I loved my brother and had always been there for him., the good and the bad. To hide from the situation would be to hide from my brother and to not be there for his worst. His worst, hurt my family so for me to be there for my brother in his worst I had to be there for my family every step of the way. My pain did not matter at this point.

In the days to come, the funeral arrangements were processed as a family and the grieving began. I traveled most days to visit family and attended memorial services. It was not until the week after when I was left with myself did I began to decompress from what I had experienced.

During this time of decompression and grieving I appreciated my decision to face the challenge. I knew exactly what happened and there was little room for the imagination to take hold to spin me in a downward spiral. I had been brought low enough with real life. I went through the steps of mourning like medical doctrine indicates. I was angry, depressed, and shocked. By facing this head on I never had any trouble accepting what had happened. I never blamed myself or regretted not taking action to save my brother from his choice.

The reality is, my brother chose to end his life. He did not reach out to me or any other that we know of for help. I could not and will not blame myself for his choice. However, I had to deal with the stress left afterwards from the memories that are forever seared into my head.

I began to have symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress. I had flashbacks to the scene and a few nightmares. The flashbacks were the toughest to overcome. My mind would play the phone call as if it were happening right then and there, next came the scene of my brother being taken away, and then the scene of where he committed the act. Finally, my brain pieced together the in between from the details I had heard which allowed my imagination to visualize my brother doing the thing he did.

I would come out of this flashback with a lack of situational awareness and a shiver down my spine that would make me shake. I thought nothing of the first couple but after driving down the road and coming out of this state of mind it was endangering my life. I could not afford to wreck or do something stupid because of my lack to manage stress. This was another thing that had to challenged directly.

I overcame this by playing the sequence over and over in my head until the shivering stopped and the trance state ended. It took a few days of mediating on it. I purposefully took myself to the dark places I had been and stayed there with a will to bring light to them. I would breathe slowly and calmly every so often and focus on the scene and began to see the things that bothered me the most. It was the imagination of my brother committing the act that bothered me most. I slowly began to reinforce to myself that it was imagination and, though the scene was probably accurate, that it was a thought. In fact, the entire flashback was a series of thoughts that I created. If I created the thought then I could stop it from bothering me. I can relate it to watching a scary movie repeatedly. After watching the movie a couple times you can build courage to open your eyes during the scary parts. Once, you begin to watch it with your eyes open it no longer becomes as scary even if it is just as disturbing. The reason why I those flashbacks bothered me so was because I had not fully faced them yet. I was still scared of what happened. I had build the courage to face the fears in my mind before I could overcome this.

Overall, what I have learned from this portion of my experience with my brother's suicide is that you must face any challenge with courage to overcome it. It does not matter what it is. You will never be ready or prepared enough. You have what it takes though. The courage is there but you must bring it out. You have the audacity to act but you must bring it out. We bring these tools out by thinking about using those tools. We act upon our thoughts. Fearful thoughts lead to fearful actions. Courageous thoughts lead to courageous action.

Good luck to all who are experiencing a tough time. I hope this helps.

Eyes Wide Open

     Open your eyes. You've had enough dreams. You've had enough nightmares. They are illusions of the mind that is slowly becoming your reality and drawing you out of your body into a cavern of darkness and solitude. God breathed existence into your body. He gave your body a mind to think and dream, he gave your body a soul to feel and share love, and he gave your body primal instinct to move your body to action. However, your body is the vessel he gave your mind, your soul, and your instinct. The vessel to display your wonderful gifts that make you who you are! It allows you to act. Open your eyes.

     When will you open them? Your dreams keep you asleep because they can take you wondrous places while your nightmares make you scared... scared that life will be like them. When you sleep your mind is at work which give you visions. Your soul is absorbing the emotions your dreams make. Your instinct moves you to action but there is no body to act. Open your eyes!

     When you open them you will see. You can use your body to act, to live, to thrive. The only difference between sleep and being awake is the opening of your eyes. One could argue that dreams do not hurt as bad as life but I tell you no. When you stay in dream-state the soul suffers. It can only absorb the positive or negative thoughts you dream of and we as humans are fallen. We become negative if left alone. You never share your love with others and others cannot share love with you. You are alone in solitude when you dream. It is like the creatures who ventured into the deep caves of the world. They were once beautiful, full of life, and lived amongst the sun. Now they have lost their sight and scratch a living amongst the rocks and darkness. Crawl out of your cave. Open your eyes!

     Life is full of dreams and full of nightmares just like sleep but have hope! When you open your eyes you can act and live through your dreams and nightmares. You will find others you also have opened their eyes who share their love, their dreams, and nightmares. This is how we grow. This is how we become better. We must open our eyes. We must use our vessel to act in our dreams and nightmares. This is the way to fulfillment because we take part in our journey and allow ourselves to be amongst others who also share in our journey.

Open your eyes...