These are all things we say to ourselves when we attempt to do something hard and are hesitant in our efforts to accomplish our feats. All these phrases are typically negatively associated because our confidence in ourselves is lacking. How many times have you tried to lift a weight in the gym that is really heavy, waited too long to talk to someone, or tried to stay calm while being interviewed and not been able to perform because of you over think or get nervous?
This is my story of overcoming lack of confidence, over thinking, and trying to negatively drive myself to do things while being in the pits of life. I hope that you will be able to take away a little bit from what I have experienced and learned.
I have always been a man to try and make things happen. My father taught me how to be assertive when I was a timid child. He would put me in situations where I had to decide to either be bold or sit back. I was not always bold because fear held me back. I did not believe that I could do it. I was scared of the consequences of failing.
My father would always tell me,"Whatever you do, son, do not hesitate. Hesitation will get you killed." There is more to what he said than literal death by hesitation. Yes, that can happen but what is more to that is hesitating in the moments where you have the opportunity to do something awesome. We have all had these moments, missing a chance to talk to ask that person out, not selling yourself in a job interview, or choking right before you attempt to set a personal record in the gym. The moments of hesitation and lack of confidence chip away at our soul over time, discourage us, and too often we beat ourselves up for it. If we keep hesitating and keep building our disbelief in our capabilities we will never reach our potential. Have hope! We can cast away disbelief and build ourselves up through the same moments we hesitate in.
This past summer, I had the crescendo of turning my mindset into confidence and assertive. My mind is the strongest it has ever been. I was back in my hometown, coaching CrossFit full-time and had been training alone for several weeks in preparation to compete in a weightlifting meet. I was also dealing with grief and stress from my brother's suicide. I felt alone, fighting depression, and trying to push myself to become stronger. It was mid-afternoon, the warehouse sized gym was empty and had been for a couple hours. This was a typical day. A lot of time to by myself without any immediate support to push me to do better. The entire day my brother was on my mind, like most days, and was still processing the events that had happened. This was a flood building in my soul. This workout was hard. The weights felt too heavy. My mind is not right to make these attempts. I almost broke down crying in my self-pity. Who cares, no one was there to judge right? I had made it through to the last two sets of accessory lifts. The easy part. A song called "Coming Down" by Five Finger Death Punch began playing which is about suicide. I broke down. I was crying and almost left the gym in sadness and disgust in myself for my performance with only two sets left in my workout. Twenty measly repetitions and I could not bring myself to do them?
It was this moment, I had already started walking to grab my stuff, that I saw what was really going on inside my head. I was giving up because I thought I was not strong enough to make it. I thought I was a victim of my situation. I believed that I could not change this moment. To Hell With That! Not being strong enough and quitting because I was feeling sorry for myself... The thought enraged me. I am strong enough! I'm done feeling sorry for myself! I am doing this! I am finishing! I stormed back over and finished my last two sets.
This might not sound like much, but it was this moment that solidified my confidence in what I am made of. What we all have inside us. We all have the guts to make whatever you want to happen possible. You must believe it though. We can see what we are made of in every opportunity. How you see an opportunity is a reflection of how you see yourself. If something is holding you back because it appears hard or scary more than likely it is because you do not see how strong and ferocious you are. You are strong! You are ferocious! What's more, is you are capable of enjoying these moments that are hard and scary.
After my turning point, I see opportunity differently because I see myself differently. In that moment in the pits, I saw how resilient I am, my strength, my willpower. It was always there but I did not focus on it because I did not believe it was there. Now that I believe with my whole heart that I am capable of what I set my mind to, I no longer see opportunity as a moment of success or failure, pain or pleasure. I see opportunity as a moment to be who I am. To be Garrett White as he would be without fear, hesitation, and lack of self-confidence. Being that person makes me joyful and allows me to enjoy my life no matter the situation.
My take home message is believe in yourself. Everyone has what it takes. We all have the guts, the grit... Believe in your strength. Believe you will conquer any situation. You have what it takes to be your unafraid self in every moment, to enjoy every opportunity. You have what it takes.
